The Pixel Project is pleased to welcome our annual guest “16 For 16” article from our partner MenChallenging, an organisation that challenges men to prevent gender-based violence and support its victims and survivors.
There are endless examples of positive, healthy and respectful masculinity all around us, but unfortunately, they often go unnoticed or ignored, minimised, or mocked. If we continue to spotlight and normalise them, it will mean another step towards everyone–including men–leading more healthy and non-violent lives. In this article, MenChallenging presents a list of examples of men who exhibit positive masculinity, some more subtle than others, and mostly from the US as that is where we are based and do most of our work. We hope that examples like these are one way we can build a more just and less violent society and world.
Important caveat: Having or exhibiting traits of positive masculinity does not mean that a person is incapable of committing gender-based violence, whether street harassment, stalking, sexual violence or relationship abuse. Even anti-gender violence activists and leaders have been and can be violent and abusive. The goal of this article is to celebrate positive masculinity while seeing each person in their entirety. We must recognise potential harm caused by people who take positive actions and recognise humanity even in those who choose to commit violence. We are not trying to celebrate the real and fictional men listed here as “good” or even non-violent, but spotlighting behaviour that we want to see more of and strive to exemplify ourselves.
Written by Joe Samalin, Co-Founder of MenChallenging.
Example of Positive Masculinity #1: Ted Lasso
Ted Lasso is wildly popular for a lot of reasons. The one that stands out more than any other is how every episode showcases micro and macro examples of alternative and positive masculinities, primarily from the lead character, but from others as well. The show highlights Ted and other male characters being vulnerable, empathetic, open-minded, putting others above themselves, creating close male friendships and love, and much more across racial, national, sexual orientation, age, and other lines. These traits help create a team and community that does not promote nor allow gender inequity and violence, all while winning games. Ted Lasso is a classic example of a transformational as opposed to a transactional coach. This is exemplified his line: “For me, success is not about the wins and losses. It’s about helping these young fellas be the best versions of themselves on and off the field.”
Example of Positive Masculinity #2: Joe Ehrmann
Looking for the real-life Ted Lasso? Even if you are not a coach, read Joe Ehrmann’s book InSideOut Coaching: How Sports Can Transform Lives. It is a game changer (pun intended). Joe has devoted decades to making sure there is no room among athletes and athletics at any level for gender-based violence and inequity. In addition to being an all-star football player, he is a role model of positive masculinity. His work with young and professional athletes proactively viewing sports as a vehicle to create a world free from gender violence is truly inspirational.
Example of Positive Masculinity #3: Jeff Perera
Canadian Jeff Perera created Higher Unlearning as an online space to explore healthy masculinity and is a brilliant speaker and writer on the topic. He has dedicated himself to both inner self-work and working with men and communities to challenge men’s violence in all forms. Check out his Ted Talks and more on his website.
Example of Positive Masculinity #4: Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah
Nana Kwame Adjei-Brenyah’s debut novel Chain Gang All-Stars addresses racism, sexism, and the carceral system, and debuted to great acclaim. When discussing the book in the media, Adjei-Brenyah spoke openly and powerfully about the women in his books and why and how he wrote them. Check out this interview with Seth Meyers, especially around the 5-minute mark, and his appearance on The Daily Show at around the 2-minute mark, to better understand how well he explains the importance of intersectionality.
Example of Positive Masculinity #5: Dwayne Wade
Dwayne Wade, superstar basketball player and celebrity along with his partner, actress Gabrielle Union, has publicly and vocally supported their trans daughter Zaya since she came out in 2020. This includes advocating for the rights of all trans youth and speaking out when he has the chance, as well as publicly deciding to move with his family out of Florida due to the state’s anti-trans laws. Fighting for equity and respect for people regardless of gender and sexuality and what it might do to your reputation, and being an open-minded and visible ally to others–all of this makes for a beautiful show of positive masculinity. This helps to increase support for women and trans folks, especially trans youth, and boosting their value in society helps to challenge the violence so often done against them.
Example of Positive Masculinity #6: Richard Gadd and Baby Reindeer
The dark comedic TV show Baby Reindeer is based on the play of the same name by British comedian and actor Richard Gadd, who shares his experiences as a survivor of stalking and sexual assault. It is an intense look at stalking and the effects it can have on people, but also a powerful sharing of Gadd’s story of being drugged and sexually assaulted by another man in the television business. Showing different types of courage, such as sharing stories of vulnerability and weakness, can be a hugely cathartic and important part of positive masculinity and a counter-story to how we usually define courage and strength. In this case it can also help support survivors of sexual assault and stalking, including male survivors, whether or not they ever share their stories.
Example of Positive Masculinity #7: Mandy Patinkin Leaving Criminal Minds
In the early 2000’s, actor Mandy Patinkin seemingly abruptly left his leading role in television show Criminal Minds. His later public-facing explanation for leaving after a scant two years on the popular show highlights two examples of positive masculinity: self-care and acknowledging the effects of gender-based violence on individuals and society overall. It was only years later that he shared the reasons for his departure from Criminal Minds: “The biggest public mistake I ever made was that I chose to do Criminal Minds in the first place,” he says. “I thought it was something very different. I never thought they were going to kill and rape all these women every night, every day, week after week, year after year. It was very destructive to my soul and my personality. After that, I didn’t think I would get to work in television again.”
Example of Positive Masculinity #8: Eric and Otis in Sex Education
The friendship between Otis and Eric in the British hit Sex Education is to a large extent the heart of this show. Their love for and bond with each other is powerful to see, especially given how different their personalities and identities are, and the missteps they make. Research and lived experience shows us that boys tend to have very close relationships with each other only up to a point, so the Eric-Otis friendship is a refreshing one that normalises bucking that trend. Their bond is threatened at times yet they are able to hold each other accountable for problematic behaviour, language and actions. This type of bond is a critical piece of creating communities free from men’s violence and abuse–relationships and friendships between men of all ages that are strong enough to allow individuals to step up and speak out against what we know is wrong.
Example of Positive Masculinity #9: Brian Anderson
Brian Anderson is the co-founder of Fathering Together, an online community of dads around the world supporting each other to be better dads and men. It is a great organisation and one example of Brian’s commitment to positive masculinity is his blog. For years now Brian has very openly and honestly shared the ups and downs, laughs and struggles of trying to be a good dad and man. He intentionally shares this with a goal of helping normalise how men and dads especially connect with and support each other, and to show that it is important for men to be able to admit to vulnerability and weakness, all toward the goal of being better.
Example of Positive Masculinity #10: Bradley Cooper
Pay inequity–especially the gender and racial pay gap in the US–is one concrete way to see how women and folks of colour are so often valued less in a society, laying a foundation for ignoring the epidemic levels of violence targeted at them. In response to frequent co-star Jennifer Lawrence calling out the wage gap in Hollywood, actor Bradley Cooper made a commitment to sharing his salary negotiations and pay information with women he works with moving forward.
Example of Positive Masculinity #11: Jason Kelce
American football superstar Jason Kelce’s press conference he announced his retirement really strikes an emotional note because he spoke (and wept) openly about his feelings for the sport, his teammates and coaches, his family, and more. It’s not the kind of stuff we stereotypically associate with football players, or even men in general, and possibly a sign of some of the recent changes in professional sports regarding masculinity and gender equality.
Example of Positive Masculinity #12: Vinny Marchi (AKA @veryveryvinny)
Vinny Marchi is a singer on TikTok and YouTube known for his incredible voice. At one point, he made this great response –The Sad Sad Alpha Male–to a sexist viral video by a self-proclaimed dating coach. Vinny used his platform and his voice to push back against the dangerous messages that the original poster was spewing. Using your talents and gifts, whatever they may be, to fight for equality is a prime example of positive masculinity.
Example of Positive Masculinity #13: Terry Crews
Former football player and TV and movie star Terry Crews is not only a visible ally to the feminist and anti-gender violence movement, he also speaks openly about being sexually harassed and molested himself. A funny, talented and intelligent guy, his 2014 book How to be a Better Man or Just Live with One is also a great read. Check out his multiple books or just connect with him on social media to find out more.
Example of Positive Masculinity #14: Baratunde Thurston
Baratunde Thurston is a brilliant, hilarious, multi-talented author, comedy writer, critical thinker, and more, and has used the many hats he wears to be a shining example of positive masculinity in many ways. He has done this while working at The Onion, The Daily Show, and as an advisor in the Obama White House. His deep learning and thinking on the intersections of race and gender show up throughout all he does. Learn more about him and his way of living in this interview from 2018 or in almost any of his writing. His sometimes subtle and sometimes not-so-subtle ways of exemplifying positive masculinity truly make space for other men to be invited to do the same.
Example of Positive Masculinity #15: Daniel Sloss
Scottish comedian and actor Daniel Sloss used his platform and microphone to call out Russell Brand when accusations of sexual assault surfaced against him, and to hold himself accountable for not doing more and sooner. You can see an excerpt from his passionate bit on the issue here. Sloss seems honest and driven when talking about this matter, including acknowledging that he didn’t begin to speak out until a friend of his was sexually assaulted, a common starting point for most men to first realise how commonplace sexual violence is and the effects it can have. The fact that he is a white man and a comedian to boot makes this example of positive masculinity and speaking out against men’s violence all the more effective.
Example of Positive Masculinity #16: Grandpa Gil
Last but not least – My dad’s father, Grandpa Gil, was born in the Bronx in New York City, was violent and abusive towards his wife and two sons. Later on in life, my dad began to process his childhood and wound up cutting off contact with his parents for a few years. When he finally reconnected with Grandpa Gil to talk about things, he discovered that my grandfather had taken those years to read every book about family violence he could get his hands on at the retirement centre library. Grandpa Gil started thinking about his own violent upbringing and how he continued that cycle of violence in his own home. He made some serious changes to break the cycle and our family grew closer than ever to him until his death. He is the reason I believe people can change (not that they always or often do, but that they can). He taught me the necessity and power of accountability. He also taught me that I could love someone even if they have committed violence or have been abusive, something that has aided me immensely when working with survivors of domestic violence.
The Top Photo is a Creative Commons image
- Picture 1: Photo by SCHVETS Production from Pexels.